exhale.

    This year is worlds away from last. Last year I was living the stereotypical high school experience. You know, the typical teenage girl in the background on a sitcom. Steady boyfriend, close group of friends, grade school buddies, and band buddies. The only trouble was, I placed myself in the mindset of those directly around me. Running through my head were thoughts of the futurefuturefuturefuturefuture. Constant chatter of what was coming in the next year surrounded me. But I never stopped to pause, wait. This isn't me. I'm really not a senior. All the people in my classes are taking off this year, but not me. Mentally I was completely convinced that I belonged in the class of 2010. Why shouldn't I? I took Lit/Comp 10 when they did, took AP Lang when they did, took AP Lit when they did,the logical conclusion anyone would make when looking at my classes,is I fit right in. If they had a doubt in their mind, they could investigate who I devoted my time to, and their conclusion would be confirmed. June rolled around, and my classes emptied. I remember sitting in a classroom with four other students, and thinking, what I would give to be an empty seat. Already enjoying summer, and ecstatic about the imminent future. Then I went to graduation, as an audience member. There they all were, throwing their caps to the sky, rejoicing at the beginning of a new chapter. 
      My new chapter hasn't begun yet. It feels sort of like the author of my narrative is penning a Russian novel. The same story could be said in such few words. Yet Russian novels are considered masterpieces for some reason or another. While personally I can't appreciate them, maybe my chapter isn't over yet for a reason. Soon enough, my page will turn, and I too will start anew. But in the meantime, the final paragraphs have started. Most of the time I feel like I'm still sitting in a classroom of empty seats. Four or Five of my closest friends remain, but school has turned into a sea of blank faces. Of all the Freshmen, Sophomores, Juniors, and many Seniors, I would only be able to guess a small amount of their first names. 
     I recently finished a book about racing in the rain :), and in the words of wisdom of a very special character, "The car goes where the eyes go". In other words, you manifest your own destiny. If I continue to focus on this sadness, it will open doors to more sorrow. But if I lift my chin up, and decide that now it's my turn to fill my thoughts of my own future, my future will come knocking. I am very blessed to have parents that have allowed me to choose my own path in life. My dad's mantra for my college quest is, "Don't let money or anything else decide where you end up. Go where you want, and do something you love to do." I appreciate such wonderful support, and such nice priorities in life. Here I am fussing about where to go, what to do, gpa, sat,where everyone else is applying to, blah blah blah, when in reality it all boils down to is finding purpose in life. This blog post has turned into a long mental burst of thoughts that don't really connect, but who cares. I suppose finding purpose in life needs to begin in finding purpose in the now. Not constantly asking, why is my life so different now? Or, why did it have to turn out this way? Instead it is time to find purpose! I have a job, where I meet a new person every shift. I am saving money for college, and learning the ropes of handling many different types of personalities. My actions today send ripples into tomorrow. As corny as that sounds, I am learning new people skills, and I can expect a pretty sizable paycheck in the near future. Also, health careers is as filled with purpose as school can get. I am so passionate about being able to dip my toes into a possible future for me, thanks to health careers.
     This has turned into nothing short of an extremely long exhale. Though this year is worlds away from last, I am that much closer to my new chapter. Though the future is tantalizing, in the words of all politicians, the future is now, and it's time i start realizing it.